Since man invented the penis, he’s been trying to understand women.  Everyone has a contradicting theory.  They love sincerity and a sense of humor, spontaneity and goals, mystery and consistency, orgasms and just cuddling, personal growth and body shots, abs and ice cream– no one can keep it straight.  Women are like hot dogs.  We don’t know what’s in them and trying to figure it out gets scary.  That’s why I only used one source to define everything I know about women.  The movie Friday the 13th.

It might seem crazy to try to understand everything about women from a single source, especially a horror movie.  However, it’s even crazier to try to find some kind of universal truth that defines them in all situations.  Socrates couldn’t even do that, and he was such a ladies man that he died of quadruple syphillis.

Note: These tips won’t help you most of the time and may in fact be dangerously stupid in nearly every situation ever, but if you ever find yourself being systematically eliminated by a murderer at summer camp, your final moments will be spent making a love connection.  Also note that none of these tips will help you or any lovely ladies SURVIVE the summer camp massacre or even regular summer camp.  In fact, simply reading it is a violation of most canoe safety protocols for this next sentence alone.  When approaching rocky or rapid water in a canoe, always tip it over with a jerking, headbutting motion.

Sometimes when you’re with a woman, you might hear a rhythmic panting get closer and closer.  ”Chu-chu AH-AH-AH!  Chu-chu AH-AH-AH!”  This might be a killer, but it’s probably just one of the camp counselors secretly chaperoning your sex.  What you really need to listen for is the string instruments.  When you hear someone beating on a violin, that’s when you should make an excuse to leave.  There’s a reason ashtmatic violin rapists can’t sneak up on anyone– they sound like impending murder from a mile away.

If the music gets quieter as you leave, enjoy being single because your date is now a puddle.  On the other hand, if the music seems to be following you, you have two choices:
1. Try to quickly scream before the machete bursts out of your chest.
2. Run towards an object like a laundry folding machine or a wheat thresher that will showcase a more elaborate and thematic death.

There’s actually a sociological explanation for this one.  You see, as they go through life, ugly girls get attacked by animals that would normally perch and sing on the shoulder of beautiful ones.  This makes them scrappy and harder to kill.

The first thing you need to do when you get to summer camp is rate the attractiveness of the women before their personalities can skew the results.  This is the exact order in which they’ll die, so plan accordingly.  Will you go for the whirlwind 12 minute romance with the sexy blonde or spend 90 minutes falling in love with the balding hunchback?  She might look like a dog fight when she wears a swimsuit, but she’ll laugh at your jokes and she has the best chance of avenging your death.

Between showers, water sports, strip Monopoly and topless breasting, you’ll wonder why girls even pack a suitcase when they go to the lake.  I think I’m just typing out loud, though; because that’s not really a tip.  It’s only awesome.

Whether a woman is jogging around to find her bra or sexily removing her pants to brush her teeth, there is always someone in the treeline watching her.  If this person isn’t you, then they’re watching you too.  So plan accordingly.  There are a lot of embarrassing and gay things you tell a woman when you think no one is listening.

The good news is that serial killers are suckers for foreshadowing and you can use this to actually help plan your death.  Try to say something like, “When I was a kid, m-my father… he died in a codeine eating contest.  It’s my biggest fear.  SO LIKE I SAID! I SURE HOPE THAT I DON’T DIE PAINLESSLY TO AN ANALGESIC OVERDOSE!”

I’m not saying to avoid sex completely.  I mean, no one goes to summer camp for the volleyball.  But it should be made clear that anything past second base ends in an immediate slaying.  Still, use protection to keep your last moments as safe as possible.  You don’t want to get hit with an axe and a teen pregnancy at the same time.

A week at the lake is all nipples and archery until someone finds the first body.  From that point on, everyone seems to shift their focus to screaming and barricading.  Luckily, there is a way you can prolong the happy times and it’s simple: never, ever let your date be alone.  It might come off as clingy, but remember that no one ever discovers a corpse when they’re in a group.  Dead bodies are like nature’s car alarm, only instead of announcing that someone brushed against a car, they announce that someone is walking through the woods alone.  Every door, tree or wall between you and your girl is another chance for her to step on a body.  And good luck enjoying your evening after that.  Dead body, dead body, that’s ALL you’ll hear about.

One of the strangest things about women is that when they run at night, there is a dead body in any direction they go.  It doesn’t matter if she runs in 30 directions and there were only 20 people at summer camp– corpses will drop from trees, fall out of closets, wait for her in cars… and no matter how many she trips over, she’ll scream like it’s the first dead body she’s ever seen.  That might have been cute when you first met.  Not anymore.  Now her shrill voice is like a knife in your brain, which is a poor choice of words for someone getting an actual knife pushed into their brain.  Sorry.

Brutal slaughter takes its toll on every relationship.  You and your girl still have feelings for each other, but you’re not the same two semi-nude kids using nametag painting as foreplay.  I’m afraid you’ll be spending a lot of time arguing and fighting.  And this is especially bad news for you because in murder-type situations, women become amazing fighters.

For example, if someone stabs at a girl, she’ll duck away and knock them unconscious with a fireplace poker.  Here’s the important thing to know, though: women don’t fight to win.  Instead of safely turning the sleeping murderer’s head into burger, your girlfriend’s next move is to drop the poker, let them recover, and flee to a hiding place that’s easier to penetrate than her during a game of Truth or Dare.

Her panic and tight, wet clothing make her very hard to get ahold of, so when she is found again, this scenario will repeat itself many times until she accidentally kills her attacker.  This drama is all a simple metaphor for the following: when the two of you start arguing, let her get a small advantage, act like it’s destroyed you, and she’ll leave.  If you keep fighting, it’s eventually going to end with a squirting spout where your head used to be.

By now you’ve broken up or both been found by the sheriff’s department coroner.  And I know you miss what you had, but don’t make the mistake of trying to recreate it with another girl.  In 2009 when they tried to remake Friday the 13th.  People still got killed at summer camp, but it just wasn’t the same.  It wasn’t even close, actually.  At the risk of making the perfect analogy, the remake of Friday the 13th was like trying to relive your prom night by putting a dress on a jar of peanut butter.  It vaguely feels the same and it’s just as eager to please, but it shames everyone involved and the people who see it wish they hadn’t.

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