It was just announced that his latest addition to the book shelf, ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’, is to be produced by Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov who most recently came together to get behind the animated post-apocalyptic fable ‘9′. ‘Lincoln’ unveils the story of our 16th presidents secret battle with the undead; a longstanding tour of vengeance he has lead since the murder of his mother.

The project is just barely into the preproduction stages, but the quick decision to option the novel and get this kind of talent behind is a great sign that AL:VH will see the light of day sooner or later. Whether or not the film will be animated or live-action is still a mystery, but some insiders theorize it will be done in the same vain as ‘9′. Until the verdict is final, it’s a curious thought that Steven Spielberg’s long-rumored Lincoln biopic may get beaten to the punch. Perhaps (and it’s a long shot) the movie mogul will take the directors chair on this project instead and sink his fangs into some darker (albeit tongue-in-cheek) territory.

To a much lesser extent, you might also recall the studio-budgeted blunder that followed ‘Blair Witch’ — the now notorious ‘Books of Shadows: Blair Witch 2′. It was a half-cocked, poorly acted, overly glossed piece of junk thats soul reason for existence was to cash-in on the success of its predecessor. In retrospect, that film could never have succeeded. It tried take the audience back to a place that they could only go once: the unknown. After all, until the media got ahold ‘The Blair Witch Project’ and gave up all its secrets, the terrifying unknown was exactly what audiences were getting into.

Apparently, in Hollywood, no lesson was taken from the failure that followed the fortune. The LA Timesrecently announced that Paramount Pictures had dropped Kevin Greutert (the ‘Saw’ sequels) as director of the sequel to last year’s shocking success story, ‘Paranormal Activity’, and decided to replace him with a more high-profile filmmaker who could buff the horror franchise to a higher shine. Topping off the short list that includes Akiva Goldsman (currently working on the Fox series ‘Fringe’) and Brad Anderson (’Session 9′) is none other than Brian De Palma.

If the film does indeed land in De Palma’s hands (who is by no means at the pinnacle of his career), I can foresee two scenarios playing out: (1) A prepackaged, over-indulgent thriller that might as well be another film entirely if it weren’t for the popular title and (2) a Hollywood hotshot’s dire attempt to seem uncompromisingly indie by recreating the do-it-yourself-shaky-cam effect audiences can identify the original with.

In any case, the film is almost designed to fail from its inception. There are too many striking similarities to the cautionary tale of ‘Book of Shadows’ to insist otherwise. Hopefully Paramount decides to do something drastic and original… and quickly! Though the cast and crew are still be shuffled through by studio bosses, the film is still set for release by this Halloween.

The latest Freddy rendition is a genuine remake of the Wes Craven’s 1984 original classic, with Jackie Earle Haley (’Watchmen’) donning the trademark set of claws, and burned-leather skin in the title role. Rumors have been flying that Haley is sight to behold as Kruger, but the rest of the film is struggling to break free of the so-so remake curse that seems to accurately describe just about every horror revamp in the last five years.

Bloody-disgusting.com recently posted the new trailer for the film, and I must say, it doesn’t look half as bad as it could have. The guiding principles of the story line are hard to screw up and beyond that, the character of Freddy Kruger has few rivals in the contemporary horror world in terms of originality, shock and awe. A sincere attempt at bringing the murderous boogyman back for a new generation is a welcomed one.

It might seem crazy to try to understand everything about women from a single source, especially a horror movie.  However, it’s even crazier to try to find some kind of universal truth that defines them in all situations.  Socrates couldn’t even do that, and he was such a ladies man that he died of quadruple syphillis.

Note: These tips won’t help you most of the time and may in fact be dangerously stupid in nearly every situation ever, but if you ever find yourself being systematically eliminated by a murderer at summer camp, your final moments will be spent making a love connection.  Also note that none of these tips will help you or any lovely ladies SURVIVE the summer camp massacre or even regular summer camp.  In fact, simply reading it is a violation of most canoe safety protocols for this next sentence alone.  When approaching rocky or rapid water in a canoe, always tip it over with a jerking, headbutting motion.

Sometimes when you’re with a woman, you might hear a rhythmic panting get closer and closer.  ”Chu-chu AH-AH-AH!  Chu-chu AH-AH-AH!”  This might be a killer, but it’s probably just one of the camp counselors secretly chaperoning your sex.  What you really need to listen for is the string instruments.  When you hear someone beating on a violin, that’s when you should make an excuse to leave.  There’s a reason ashtmatic violin rapists can’t sneak up on anyone– they sound like impending murder from a mile away.

If the music gets quieter as you leave, enjoy being single because your date is now a puddle.  On the other hand, if the music seems to be following you, you have two choices:
1. Try to quickly scream before the machete bursts out of your chest.
2. Run towards an object like a laundry folding machine or a wheat thresher that will showcase a more elaborate and thematic death.

There’s actually a sociological explanation for this one.  You see, as they go through life, ugly girls get attacked by animals that would normally perch and sing on the shoulder of beautiful ones.  This makes them scrappy and harder to kill.

The first thing you need to do when you get to summer camp is rate the attractiveness of the women before their personalities can skew the results.  This is the exact order in which they’ll die, so plan accordingly.  Will you go for the whirlwind 12 minute romance with the sexy blonde or spend 90 minutes falling in love with the balding hunchback?  She might look like a dog fight when she wears a swimsuit, but she’ll laugh at your jokes and she has the best chance of avenging your death.

Between showers, water sports, strip Monopoly and topless breasting, you’ll wonder why girls even pack a suitcase when they go to the lake.  I think I’m just typing out loud, though; because that’s not really a tip.  It’s only awesome.

Whether a woman is jogging around to find her bra or sexily removing her pants to brush her teeth, there is always someone in the treeline watching her.  If this person isn’t you, then they’re watching you too.  So plan accordingly.  There are a lot of embarrassing and gay things you tell a woman when you think no one is listening.

The good news is that serial killers are suckers for foreshadowing and you can use this to actually help plan your death.  Try to say something like, “When I was a kid, m-my father… he died in a codeine eating contest.  It’s my biggest fear.  SO LIKE I SAID! I SURE HOPE THAT I DON’T DIE PAINLESSLY TO AN ANALGESIC OVERDOSE!”

I’m not saying to avoid sex completely.  I mean, no one goes to summer camp for the volleyball.  But it should be made clear that anything past second base ends in an immediate slaying.  Still, use protection to keep your last moments as safe as possible.  You don’t want to get hit with an axe and a teen pregnancy at the same time.

A week at the lake is all nipples and archery until someone finds the first body.  From that point on, everyone seems to shift their focus to screaming and barricading.  Luckily, there is a way you can prolong the happy times and it’s simple: never, ever let your date be alone.  It might come off as clingy, but remember that no one ever discovers a corpse when they’re in a group.  Dead bodies are like nature’s car alarm, only instead of announcing that someone brushed against a car, they announce that someone is walking through the woods alone.  Every door, tree or wall between you and your girl is another chance for her to step on a body.  And good luck enjoying your evening after that.  Dead body, dead body, that’s ALL you’ll hear about.

One of the strangest things about women is that when they run at night, there is a dead body in any direction they go.  It doesn’t matter if she runs in 30 directions and there were only 20 people at summer camp– corpses will drop from trees, fall out of closets, wait for her in cars… and no matter how many she trips over, she’ll scream like it’s the first dead body she’s ever seen.  That might have been cute when you first met.  Not anymore.  Now her shrill voice is like a knife in your brain, which is a poor choice of words for someone getting an actual knife pushed into their brain.  Sorry.

Brutal slaughter takes its toll on every relationship.  You and your girl still have feelings for each other, but you’re not the same two semi-nude kids using nametag painting as foreplay.  I’m afraid you’ll be spending a lot of time arguing and fighting.  And this is especially bad news for you because in murder-type situations, women become amazing fighters.

For example, if someone stabs at a girl, she’ll duck away and knock them unconscious with a fireplace poker.  Here’s the important thing to know, though: women don’t fight to win.  Instead of safely turning the sleeping murderer’s head into burger, your girlfriend’s next move is to drop the poker, let them recover, and flee to a hiding place that’s easier to penetrate than her during a game of Truth or Dare.

Her panic and tight, wet clothing make her very hard to get ahold of, so when she is found again, this scenario will repeat itself many times until she accidentally kills her attacker.  This drama is all a simple metaphor for the following: when the two of you start arguing, let her get a small advantage, act like it’s destroyed you, and she’ll leave.  If you keep fighting, it’s eventually going to end with a squirting spout where your head used to be.

By now you’ve broken up or both been found by the sheriff’s department coroner.  And I know you miss what you had, but don’t make the mistake of trying to recreate it with another girl.  In 2009 when they tried to remake Friday the 13th.  People still got killed at summer camp, but it just wasn’t the same.  It wasn’t even close, actually.  At the risk of making the perfect analogy, the remake of Friday the 13th was like trying to relive your prom night by putting a dress on a jar of peanut butter.  It vaguely feels the same and it’s just as eager to please, but it shames everyone involved and the people who see it wish they hadn’t.

Director Wes Craven seemingly laid the series to rest with ‘Scream 3′ back in 2000, but last week on the LA TImes Blog the legendary scare-master revealed plans for the rest of his career, and even dropped the bomb that he is set to return to the ‘Scream’ franchise in May with the bulk of the original cast (Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox and David Arquette at least) as well as the films’ original screenwriter Kevin Williamson.

In a day and age where virtually everything that can be dubbed “horror” is being remade or splintering into sequels, this move actually feels justified. After all, ‘Scream’ films have always (sadistically) paid tribute to the genre’s cultural staples of the past, and with a decade full of new breeds of horror for the franchise to call upon. You can expect nods to shaky-cam shockers like ‘Paranormal Activity’ as well as some Asian extreme and even torture porn says Williamson. In any case, this looks to be one of the more inspiring non-original horror flicks we can expect in the near future… and rest assured, there will be more than enough.

In the case of rape-and-revenge flicks like the ever-controversial 1978 classic ‘I Spit on Your Grave’, I can’t see what would warrant a remake. Nonetheless, a remake is precisely what we are getting. Steven R. Monroe and Anchor Bay films are set to release their take on ‘Spit’ later this year.

Thanks to pretty-scary.net, you can check out the trailer for the original film as well as a probing interview with Sarah Butler (the star of the remake) and her insights about what it’s going to take to make the project.

Lionsgate rep Jason Constantine says that the film “feels as close a a real exorcism as anyone would ever want to get.” Roth, who normally writes his own material, found the script by Huck Botko and Andrew Gurland so enticing that he decided to direct it for himself. It’s still in the early stages of its release, with anything resembling a trailer still yet-to-surface, but needless to say that in the loom of shaky cam horror hits like ‘Paranormal Activity” and “Quarantine”, this will quickly become one of the most buzzed about fright flicks of the year.

http://www.variety.com/article/VR1118015085.html?categoryid=13&cs=1

So, in celebration of one of the blood & guts genre’s most famed weapon of mass destruction, check out Bloodydisgusting’s list of The Ten Most Awesome Chainsaw Scenes in Movie History!!. My vote for the best: Christian Bale’s menacing naked (except for the sneakers) rampage after a prostitute in his apartment complex. His face is splattered red while he laughs his ass off after dropping the saw and nailing his target from atop a spiral staircase. Come on, depravity can be awesome sometimes.

It’s a fun article with some choice selections (even though ‘Sid and Nancy’ is curiously left off of the list), so for those of you out there that can’t wait until Monday, give it a read and bust out your copy of ‘Eternal Sunshine’ and veg out on the sofa until the world starts gushing over things that are really important… like the new episode of LOST on Tuesday!